Living with the Empire

I recently caught up with some old friends of ours from a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

After a careful viewing of Stars Wars Episode IV, something profound revealed itself to me. Something that for so long I and many others have overlooked despite how obvious it all was. Audiences around the world were enamored with the characters as they embarked on a fantastical adventure with strange aliens, classical heroes and villains, and phallic looking glowy sticks.

The film had so much going on thematically, that any perceived plot hole was dismissed as mere nitpicking from an outsider that didn’t “get it.”

After watching Star Wars for the umpteenth time, it occurred to me that it was never adequately explained just why the audience should hate the Empire and root for the Rebels.

Quite frankly, the Empire wasn’t all that bad.

The film opens with the Empire chasing a seemingly innocent spaceship occupied by supposed diplomats. This opening scene, coupled with the appearance of a man dressed in black stepping onto the ship while ominous music played led audiences everywhere to assume that these were the bad guys. Based purely on appearances, the Empire was given a bad rap from the beginning. That’s pure stereotyping and one we, as a culture, should not condone even in outer space.

I thought we evolved beyond that. But I guess not.

Our opinions were formed before we fully understood what was at stake. It was never explained why this diplomatic ship was being chased. The implications of the information smuggled aboard R2D2 was never fully disclosed.

The only thing presented to the viewers was this black machine wearing a big helmet who went by the name Darth Vader. The reality is that ole Darth could have just been a robotic brotha cruising the galaxy with his crew.

If he was named Ron instead, we would have a different movie on our hands. The fact the guy’s name was Darth didn’t necessarily make him a bad person nor did it justify us hating the Empire. Sure, Ron Vader may sound more huggable than Darth Vader. But we must put aside our preconceived notions if we want to consider ourselves enlightened.

Hug Darth too.

I guess if the Empire were the bad guys, then our heroes of this story must surely be the Rebel Alliance, the faction in the galaxy that the audience was destined to throw their support behind. The blonde haired kid looking out at the setting suns after his aunt and uncle were brutally murdered in the desert? How could you not root for that guy and his band of cohorts.

The problem that I have is that we truly never know what the Rebel Alliance was rebelling against. Yes, we know they were fighting the Empire, but what were their motives? I think we the audience deserved a more detailed explanation for what the Rebel Alliance was fighting for. Perhaps they wanted more representation to go long with the increased taxation, a popular axiom for all rebelling colonies. But George Lucas, that nutty old goose, neglected to adequately explain the tax structure that the Empire had in place.

Quite frankly, I think the Rebels missed the star cruiser on this one. If they ever took the time to see what the Empire was accomplishing, the Rebels may have been more inclined to help in the efforts as opposed to killing innocent citizens and impeding galactic development.

It was apparent that the Empire was clearly a government focused on the galactic economy. There was no greater symbol of this than the Death Star project. Do you know how many jobs that created? That’s just to build the base too; we’re not even counting the jobs needed to occupy and run the ship as well as the maintenance and upkeep. In addition, these were all reoccurring costs thanks to the Rebel Alliance who kept blowing the darned thing up.

Some loyal fanboys may argue that the complete destruction of the planet Alderaan proved the Empire was truly evil, but I must disagree. The Rebels stole vital plans concerning the Death Star, which they intended to use for destructive purposes. Lives were at stake and the Empire clearly had a stance of not negotiating with terrorists.

And if it hasn’t occurred to you yet, let me break it to you Yoda style – Terrorist, Luke Skywalker was.

He lived in the desert; hung out with an old man with a suspiciously long beard; banded with a known smuggler and criminal in Hans Solo; and sneaked onto the Death Star and other Empire facilities with the intent to cause harm and take lives.

Terrorism, that is!

When the Death Star blew up Alderaan, some may argue that the Empire used excessive force. I for one fully support the Empire’s stance on not negotiating with terrorists. While the destruction of the planet took lives, the action was done to help prevent the further lose of life elsewhere in the galaxy.

I admit that things weren’t all fine and dandy with the Empire though. For one, their uniforms were a little drab, but I wouldn’t start a rebellion over the dress code. Despite their bland look, you can’t deny that their halls were quite neat in their star cruisers despite the heavy amount of foot traffic and robo-wheel traffic from the droids.

Despite paying close attention to the film, I found no reason to rebel against the Empire. While some may question their tactics, the worst you could say was that Darth Vader and the stormtroopers were simply misunderstood.

If you listen to a conversation at the beginning of the film, General Tarkin – the Eminem to Vader’s Dre – explained the Emperor’s plan to dissolve the government and return power to the individual galactic governments. Instead of focusing on a big government having to rule over separate and distinct galaxies, the Emperor was smart enough to recognize that impossibility and opted for a smaller government. The Emperor realized that each star systems had their own needs that could be best met by a local government.

During this transition of power, the Empire had most of their budget focused on defense spending. Again, nothing worth rebelling over. If the Rebellion ever dissolved, then the Empire would be able to cut defense spending and perhaps divert some funds towards education and other admirable projects.

Of course, we may never know what other projects and plans that the Empire had in store. Whatever they were, I’m sure the Rebels would find something wrong with it and neglect to let anyone know what their alternatives are. However, that wouldn’t stop audiences everywhere from blindly rooting for the Rebels to destroy the Empire’s well-intentioned programs while neglecting to realize just how well the rest of the galaxy could have had it if only they would have given the Empire a fair chance.

A Cagen Recipe

INGREDIENTS

1 Long-haired Nicolas “Nick” Cage.

1 Blonde babe.

1 Blazer.

2 1/2 Chase scenes.

1 Mysterious object.

3 Goons wearing suits.

1 Older, crew cut evil mastermind.

1 Burger King toy tie-in and/or talk show appearance.

7 Months of hype.

DIRECTIONS

Season Nicolas Cage by having wardrobe fit the long-haired thespian with a navy blue blazer.

Slowly stir in a mysterious object – a box with strange inscriptions? A tablet of sorts? – that in someway conveys the impending end of the world about to occur in 90 to 120 minutes, depending on the script. Let that simmer on a low heat.

Place Cage aside for a moment and whisk in a blonde babe in an unbelievable job position, such as the pinup girl theoretical physicist. Add large hooters for flavor and mix thoroughly.

Meanwhile, in a medium length scene, combine the goons with the evil mastermind in a delightful criminal caper. After letting that saute for a bit in a non-stick pan, top with the Cage and blonde babe mixture from earlier. Garnish with a young, comic-relief actor full of contrived jokes and a whimsical obliviousness to all of the plot holes.

Top with a melon salsa and lemon wedge.

Serve warm with a Conan O’Brien appearance.

This recipe could easily yield $150 million.

A Revealing Look Back

They say that to truly know where you are heading, you have to first look back at where you came from. If we look back today, we can see that it has been almost ten years since the last major transition in songwriting. While the iPod may have irrevocably changed how we get and listen to our music, the turn of the century saw music move away from cheery pop songs about that special girl and, instead, zoomed in on the posterior of all the honeys in the house, the hiz house, as well as da heezy, fo’ sheezy.

Before one man led this shift in musical subject matter, songs focused on the actual derrière itself. Musical compositions such as Juvenile’s Back that Azz Up, Mystikal’s Shake Ya Ass, and Chumbawamba’s Tubthumping all extolled the virtues of the fanny, especially in its jiggling movement. These songs all harkened back to Sir Mix-a-Lot’s seminal piece on the topic.

However, in 1999, Sisqo became the first artist to truly take that common subject matter in a new and exciting direction by focusing on the female undergarments and the alluring cover they provide. Instead of going straight to the deed, this booty pioneer’s lyrics were centered around the suspense and buildup to the anticipated unveiling when boom! there dem hams be.

What better way to celebrate the 10^th anniversary of The Thong Song then to explore the song’s lyrics to get a proper prospective on how Sisqo managed to immensely glorify such a skimpy article of clothing. If one takes a closer look at the lyrics, one will find that this tune is not just a misogynistic anthem. It’s more nuanced than anyone has ever realized.

Aware of the inherent lowbrow nature of the subject matter, Sisqo embarks on this musical journey with a vocal introduction where he whispers – quite provocatively, might I add – about the things guys talk about, such as “the finer things in life.” It is clear that Sisqo, like a lot of people, enjoys a good pun. Notice the use of the word finer. It not only describes the types of things men like; it also alludes to the fine string that is the centerpiece of the thong. This little wordplay is what truly separates Sisqo from his peers. This linguistic twist puts the listener on his heels and provides a warning that there is more to this song than just sexy bottoms.

While the subject matter lends itself to criticism and snickering, Sisqo breaks down many of our preconceived notions. In fact, between the bass lines and phat beats lies a rather complex song.

One of the overall messages of the song is that we as a society can no longer hang onto our preconceived notions of race. The thong-wearing ladies are described as “just not urban, but pop cuz she was livin la vida loca.” He’s not just sampling a lyrical snippet from a radio hit; he’s breaking down racial stereotypes. It’s not only the urban crowd gawking at the thongs, but also the pop crowd and the Hispanic crowd. Together, they all enjoy a good thong. This is an article of clothing that doesn’t see color. People of all races and creeds can come together, even over a minor thing like a thong. If only more people could be like that.

It’s an optimistic song at its core.

If you only focus on the music video, themes such as racial harmony get lost amongst such vivid imagery like the beach babes shaking their hips and a hot dog being mustard. Sometimes you have to look beyond the words to see the true meaning of any song. One thing that Sisqo does to help people get past the lurid subject matter is to use the song’s structure to communicate with the listener.

One of the literary techniques used in the song is repetition. Constant singing of the phrase “da na da na” in the chorus conveys how widespread the thong phenomenon is. This phrase is also used as a metaphor to represent the similarities between thongs. The first couplet of “da na” is symmetrical to the second “da na.” This is not a mere coincidence. The dichotomy between the sets shows that in the macro-environment, all thongs are similar. The fact that this small phrase precedes each line in the chorus further represents the high number of thongs currently in use.

When you move away from the big picture and focus in on the micro-environment of this particular piece of lingerie, the “da na” and the other “da na” represents the similarities of the right and left side of the thong, if you know what I’m talking about.

Unlike other musicians, Sisqo avoids explicitly singing about the rear. Instead, he talks about everything up to that point. In this anticipatory plot about the thong and what mysteries lie underneath, Sisqo sings about the area around the thong, including the “dumps like a truck” and the “thighs like what what what.” The repeated “what” is interesting because it would almost seem like Sisqo is literally at a lose for words.

Its as if Sisqo spotted a woman wearing boxer briefs. Confused, he thinks that while biologically she may not need them for the added support, there is certainly an undeniable comfort level to them. This contrasts with the idea that a thong looks uncomfortable to wear, almost like a self-inflicted wedgie. Not to be deterred, Sisqo howls, not sings, but howls “let me see that thong!” He might as well have been telling the beach crowd to put away the granny panties for good. It’s excellent advice from the bard himself.

As part of the chorus – as well as the section that soccer moms and desktop dads alike lip sync with no shame – Sisqo sings about “that thong th thong thong thong.” It’s a little misleading what he is referring to here. On the one hand, the multiple appearances of the word “thong” could signify that the singer is focused on multiple thongs in his field of vision. Since there could be so many to choose from, he can’t afford to dwell on the brand and color of each individual pair. Instead, he speaks of the collective. The repeated use of “thong,” with no adjective to interject the sequence, shows that all thongs just aren’t alike, but rather they all hold equal value. While the color and amount of lace trim may vary widely, each thong is looked upon favorably.

Despite the strong evidence that Sisqo is singing about all the thongs in the area, it cannot be ruled out that Sisqo is singing about a specific woman and her undies instead. Repeated use of the word “thong” in the chorus could point to a low pressure system moving through the area, lowering the temperature and thus requiring this unnamed arctic babe to dress in layers by putting on multiple thongs. Listen closely and the sultry and risqué symbolism really comes through the speakers. This theory has been gaining in popularity recently as lyrical theorists point to “dat dress” that looks “so scandalous” and argue that he is singing about one dress and not multiple ones.

Then again, there may be only one dress since the other thong ladies in the club could have been wearing jeans. This, of course, does not take into account the “commando corollary” and all the titillating theories that conjures up.

These conflicting opinions is just further proof that after ten years, we’re still not truly sure of the underlying message of The Thong Song. Sisqo clearly was ahead of his time at that time, but, in due time, I feel that time will tell all about that thong th thong thong thong.

Now What?

There are a wide range of charities out there, with each one possessing a unique mission and purpose in life. During the Christmas season, these charities come to the forefront of our minds as our hearts and prayers go out to the unfortunate. When we think of charities helping people, our thoughts go to the organizations that make it their goal to feed the homeless. Helping the homeless – whether it be by clothing them or feeding them – is perhaps your quintessential charitable organization.

However, some go beyond the financially unfortunate and focus their efforts on raising funds for research to cure various diseases in various parts of the world. From the most common of illnesses to the obscure viral infections ravaging third world countries, there is always someone sick and a group trying to cure them.

Then, of course, there are organizations that don’t really “do” anything specific. They merely exist to make others aware of what is going on. These awareness charities want to inform people of a problem. To help their cause, they will usually name a whole month as their own.

Breast Cancer Awareness.

AIDS Awareness.

HIV Awareness, which is kind of like AIDS Awareness, only it usually occurs the month before.

They don’t necessarily want to cure the disease (they prefer to have others do it); instead, they want you to sport a colored ribbon that lets others know you are aware that there is a problem and this is what you are going to do about it. Namely, you are going to wear the ribbon and occasionally walk with a large group of people wearing the same white t-shirt. Some will even sport fanny packs to help fight the fight.

In my spare time, I have discovered a fight out there that has so far gone unfought.

I feel there is an infestation in this world that people may not be aware of. I don’t have the money to go about ridding the world of this problem, let alone the actual time and effort needed to eradicate it. So I’m doing the next best thing and have decided to use this platform to launch my foundation to make others aware of what is going on.

Today, I would like to announce the formation of the Now Awareness Foundation.

The Now (that’s what I call music!) CD collections are still being released today with the 29^th edition hitting store shelves everywhere.

The 29^th edition!!!

The original Now (that’s what I call music!) was released back in October 1998 and featured such classic tunes as “MMMBop,” “Zoot Suit Riot,” and the venerable “Flagpole Sitta” by Harvey Danger.

Over the years, the Now brand expanded into Teen music, Latin music, Christmas music, Country music, 80s music, Classic Rock music, and a lot of other stuff they’re playing now-a-days. Throughout the years, Now has continued to grow as it reaches its 29^th edition. I must have blacked out for editions 9^th through 28^th. If it weren’t for a late night infomercial, I would have never realized that Now has made it to the teens, let alone is now pushing 30.

I was unaware of what was going on.

As I dwelled on this confounding release, I quickly realized that the only reason they are still releasing Now is because people are still buying these compilations.

Now got its start by offering the most popular singles of the year and offering them in one convenient package. While most normal people just started to download the songs that they wanted, others were compelled to get them all on one CD and to go get them right now!

Need “Wat Da Hook Gon Be” by Murphy Lee coupled with Stacie Orrico’s “(There’s Gotta Be) More to Life?” Scoop up Now 14.

Are you concerned that “Raise Up (All Cities Remix)” by Petey Pablo would look ridiculous next to Adema’s “Giving In” in your iTunes playlist? Well Now 9 managed to successfully pair the odd couple.

And if it weren’t for Now 21, we would be living in a world void of the musical pairing of Dem Franchize Boys and Kelly Clarkson along with their seemingly separated-at-birth musical compatriot – T-Pain. Consider yourself aware that such a grouping is in existence and that it could be bumping in your Sony Walkman.

As you scan the track list on the back of the CDs, you can’t help but notice that these collections of singles are so eclectic they are created by essentially burning a radio station on a disk and shrink wrapping it. Despite iTunes and the Amazon MP3 store and other alternative means, Now is still somehow in business releasing what they call music (it says so in the title).

It could be that moms looking to buy their kids some music will dole out the cash for Now. Perhaps Now has reached the level of “classic gag gift.”

I’ve been more of a stair-man recently, but are building managers turning to Now for their elevator music?

I sincerely doubt people are voluntarily purchasing these CDs. As I thought about launching my Now Awareness Foundation, I was unaware of any other reason why someone would buy Now now or later.

After 29 editions of different songs but the same in-your-face font on all of the CD covers, the Now brand has managed to survive the wave towards digital music and satellite radio. The purpose of the Now Awareness Foundation is to spread the word that after 10 years, there is still Now. A decade of musical mishmashes has gone by without most even blinking an eye.

But my Now Awareness Foundation will look to change all of that.

With this posting, we are off to a roaring start! Thousands and thousands of eyeballs will scan the words on this page. Some will turn to flabbergast others will fall back in a stupor over the revelations that my foundation is bringing forth.

My Now Awareness Foundation has laid the foundation for others who are now aware to go out in the world and do something about this musical sacrilege.

People, you are aware of what is going on. The ball is in your court.

Now what?

Curious Change

There are two types of bums in this world – the indoor type as well as the outdoor variety. The indoor bums can usually be found sitting against a wall inside of a station, whether it be a bus, train, or police station. Shortly after sitting down, trying to rest their legs, an employee walks by and asks them to leave. The indoor bum, at this point, gets up and walks outside, thus transforming into an outdoor bum.

The outdoor bums are the unfortunate souls that roam the streets outside and are constantly on the lookout for spare change. Some of the outdoor bums are lucky to have a musical talent – usually saxophone, but sometimes guitar and very rarely mandolin. The truly special bum also has an open case to store their instrument as well as collect cash deposits.

My most recent occurrence with the homeless occurred while visiting my brother. There was this one particular bum – classified as being outdoorsy – that was wearing worn down jeans and a Chicago Bears sweatshirt that was two sizes too small. He had a four-day old beard that was toeing the line between hipster collegiate and homeless vagrant.

The fragrance surrounding this man – who we shall call Norman – was strictly all his own. He smelled like he just tumbled off of a UPS truck with that new cardboard box smell leaking out of his uncleansed pores. While I don’t expect him to afford a can of deodorant, you would think he could find a sample pack of Febreze somewhere and apply a couple squirts to help dull the edge a bit.

He was also black, but I’m not touching that one.

As we walked by, Norman said, “Hey man, I’m not gonna rob you.”

It was nice of him to say, but the fact that the first thing he brought up involved stealing from us would seem to indicate that it did at least cross his mind at some point. Instead of mugging us, he simply asked for 84 cents to buy some French fries.

I found this to be very strange.

Here was Norman, a homeless man begging for money, looking to buy some French fries. I don’t like judging people or make assumptions about their life. I don’t know how Norman ended up on the streets. His wife and kids could have kicked him to the curb and locked him out. His job was probably shipped off to China then Norman was laid off. He took up drinking heavily, maybe tried a few drugs and his life just spiraled out of control. Maybe his parents were homeless and homelessness just runs in the family.

A part of me couldn’t help but think he got there because of his own mental shortcomings. After all, for just 16 cents more he could go buy himself a double cheeseburger off of the dollar menu. Instead, Norman the Bum was settling for an 84 cent box of fries.

While it may take longer to raise the necessary funds, a dollar menu burger would at least be more filling than some fries. If he could get his hands on a double cheeseburger, he was looking at digesting some carbohydrates, proteins, and vegetables that surely have some sorts of vitamins in them.

With the potential for the whole dollar menu to be at his disposal, Norman was aiming low by settling for French fries. If he showed just a little patience in his fundraising, he could find a complete meal off the dollar menu. Although, I’m not sure how he was planning on paying for the tax; maybe he thought there was an exemption in place.

Does the 84 cents include both French fries and included tax? If so, where was Norman buying French fries at because it sounds like he may have found a smokin’ fry deal.

As I thought about his desire for 84 cents and whether he was being entirely honest with me – was he really looking to buy French fries? –  I kept walking. He asked for 84 cents (I’m really not sure what you can buy for 84 cents these days, what with all of the inflationary pressures out there).

Unfortunately for him, I don’t carry spare change around with me so I was unable to help him. Perhaps he thought I would just round up and give him a whole dollar, but he was very specific in asking for 84 cents so he got nothing from me.

Throughout the day, Norman stood outside like he had a Vitamin D addiction, afraid to seek shade, always standing in the way of the sun’s rays. Standing in the sun for such an extended period of time couldn’t have been good for his skin. He wanted his money and apparently wasn’t too concerned about melanoma, whose treatment surely costs more than 84 cents. These are the risks that outdoor bums around the world are faced with every day there’s no clouds in the sky.

After going about my day, I crossed paths with Norman again late at night. He didn’t say anything at first; I wasn’t sure if robbing me was back on the table or not. He came right out and said what he wanted: “Hey fellows, do you have 84 cents? All I want is a 40.”

Oh, now he wants a 40. What happened to the French fries, Norman? Did you get your French fries? I was really starting to question Norman. Just because he’s homeless doesn’t mean he has to be untruthful.

I’m sorry.

I said I wouldn’t judge.

Perhaps he got his 84 cent French fries and was looking for an 84 cent Forty to wash those French fries down. French fries can be very salty. Instead of looking for alcohol, maybe he should have purchased a cup of coffee. It would give him some liquid to wash his fries down while also warming him up inside.

I think you can still buy a cup of coffee for 84 cents these days. Not the robust coffee, but a simple out-of-the-can blend is definitely within his price range. I doubt Norman was a coffee drinker any more. As he walked down the street, yuppies would be sitting out on the sidewalk, enjoying their lattes and talking about the need for change and the will to help people. As Norman walks by, the yuppies’ eyes are focused on their mocha-colored beverage, quiet until Norman is out of sight.

It’s treatment like that that leads people like Norman, people who are outdoor bums, to drink heavily. The type of bums addicted to the sun, constantly suffering from withdrawals when shielded from their only source of Vitamin D and just looking for change from anyone who’s pockets jingle. Life hasn’t been good to Norman and maybe a Forty will help him forget about all of his worries – such as his lack of living arrangements and missing spray bottle of Febreze.

Those of us who can help should be able to look guys like Norman in the eyes and see a fellow human being, suffering. The bums are not there for our amusement, not there to be ignored or laughed at. We should be willing to help these unfortunate souls, assuming they are being truthful with us, which I’m still not sure Norman was.

Eighty-four cents for a French fry?

I’m just not buying it.