Deer, Oh Dear

Its hard when you spot a deer to not immediately go to the image of Bambi’s mother and the emotional trauma that follows.

So it was this past weekend when a doe wandered into the field behind the family home and plopped down below a tree, that the thought occurred to me how much that deer looked liked Bambi. (Actually, all deer kind of look like Bambi.)

This doe was sitting beneath a half-fallen tree, content as can be. Shortly after laying down, a ginormous 8-point buck showed up that looked like an elephant with horns.

As an aside, years ago I was making a snowman at night. After rolling the base of my creation, I spotted a deer closing in from the side of the house, lurking in the shadows. This deer had horns and – I believed at the time and still do – that the deer was in attack formation, readying to come after me like the vicious beast it appeared to be.

Needless to say, I yelped and ran inside for cover.

However, the rest of the family laughed at me for years as no one ever spotted this elusive deer with horns…until this past Saturday. It may have taken eight years, but I finally feel vindicated!

Now back to our originally scheduled program…

This buck looked like it was checking on the doe and even sat on the ground next to it. It was…adorable. The buck eventually left, but the doe remained, sitting in the same spot. Dad believed it was resting; Mom thought it was hurt.

Either way, we let the deer be.

Throughout the day, the deer remained sitting. But soon, a scary neighborhood cat walked across the field. The deer tried to get up and run away from the pet cat – it was quite the cowardly deer – but immediately collapsed.

Clearly, it was hurt.

After trying to get a hold of the Humane Society, the policy department, Ghostbusters, Deer Removal Ltd. and the Pennsylvania Gaming Commission, we turned to the next best source – a known hunter.

He mentioned the possibility of the deer being pregnant, but admitted that it was a little late in the season for that. Apparently, deer procreation is on a very tight schedule. Since deer are most active at night, the hunter suggested waiting to see if it was still there in the morning.

The next day, the deer was there.

And the PA Gaming Commission was on their way with their “deer misery reliever” tool, which also doubles as a rifle when needed. When he arrived, I was out and about so the next section is all hearsay -

The Gaming Commission Dude spotted the deer lying motionless on the ground. It didn’t look good.

He walked across the field, getting closer and closer to the deer. When a mere five feet away, the once presumed dead deer jumped up and bolted away into the woods lining the field. All the Gaming Commission Dude could do was shrug his shoulders.

My Father joined up with the guy. The deer was still only twenty yards away when it lifted its tail and dropped a two-sie, making its feelings known on having been disturbed from its resting place.

The Gaming Commission Dude, God bless him, went up and inspected the deer dung for blood. It was a clean dump which, apparently, means the deer had no internal bleeding. Hooray for the deer.

We then learned many wonderful facts about deer and their incredible resiliency. As long as it doesn’t get gangrene and the winter isn’t particularly tough, the deer would probably survive.

When told about the buck keeping tabs on the doe – who my Mother believes was the doe’s mate – the Gaming Commission Dude had a different take on it. His theory was this buck spotted a single female and was merely trying to put the moves on the doe. While Mom holds steady in their thoughts of undying deer love romanticism, the rest of us subscribe to the “chasing skirts” theory as the buck’s main motivation for being there.

It was at this point that I returned from my errands and was told the above story. Personally, I call B.S. and doubt any of it happened. My theory is that this was a classic, “Well Jimmy, your goldfish is fine; its just in a big fish bowl up in the sky with all of its fishy friends” moment.

I’m not nearly as naïve as Jimmy so I still maintain they just put the deer out of its misery and hauled the carcass away. In the meantime, they concocted the above “miracle leap” to help soften the news of its death to Mom. However, despite my convictions, Dad did not budge on the story of the deer that looked mortally wounded before looking dead then becoming full of life and vitality as it magically lept on all fours to escape the PA Gaming Commission Dude.

Finally, we were part of a deer story without the tragedy and uncontrollable sobbing that comes with watching Bambi. Assuming the doe truly walked away on its own, I can honestly say I was involved in a moment where Mother Nature put aside her cruelty and showed that she can be compassionate to God’s creatures.

Or, it seemed that way until Mom got a phone call Monday evening saying they found the deer in a neighbor’s backyard and had to put it down since it was acting lethargic and looked to be in bad shape.

Oh well.

C’est la vie.