Check My Name Tag, Baby

When it comes right down to it, you can’t rely on others to give you a nickname. That’s how big guys become Tiny. Fat guys get named Fatty. Because of people handing out nicknames, we are forced to deal with an inordinate amount of Butches, Scooters, and Hotties. If people were in charge of their own nicknames, the letter O would be rendered useless. No more Jimbo’s. Goodbye Bob-o’s and Tim-bo’s.

The only way to get a good nickname in this world is to give one to yourself.

This trend has been steadily growing over the years. Kobe Bryant decided to call himself the Black Mamba. John McCain had a penchant for referring himself Maverick.

Tired with herself, Beyonce Knowles recently released an album proclaiming herself to be… Sasha Fierce. Beyonce is a lovely name, but if you go to a concert headlined by someone named Beyonce, you can expect to be inundated with a diverse vocal range and jiggly dance moves. It’s a safe experience in a clean environment.

However, a concert with Sasha Fierce is a different experience. The name alone signifies an increased likelihood of being stabbed. In this cut-throat recording industry, stabbing sells records.

Beyonce doesn’t even carry a butter knife; Sasha Fierce is wielding a machete.

Physically, it’s the same person. But a new name brings with it a new personality and a different mentality all together. Sasha Fierce adds an element of feistiness that the bootylicious pop queen has been lacking so far in her young career. But all of that is about to change.

Before Beyonce changed her namesake, Puff Daddy has had a notoriously long career of changing his nickname. He started off as Puff Daddy then P. Diddy then just Diddy then Sean Combs. At one point, Puff Daddy tried to become Bo Diddy, but Bo Diddley went all diddy-wa-diddy on Diddy’s ass and now he’s just Sean Jean.

As I look at more and more people coming up with nicknames, I can’t help but feel left out. Perhaps I have gotten as far as I can go with my birth name. I need something that contrast nicely with my lovable persona. Something that gives me an edge. A tough guy aura. Something new and exciting. Something that people can relate to, that they see every day.

With great deliberation and careful consideration, I have decided to move forward with my new nickname – Contains Phenylalanine.

People encounter this name everyday on their favorite soda cans – Coke, Pepsi, and the underrated RC Cola – in the form of a warning message to phenylketonurics about how this refreshing beverage contains phenylalanine.

Phenylalanine is also found in many legumes, so I have that going for me now too.

The beauty of this nickname is the flexibility that exists when it comes to spelling. I can detach the S and give me a middle initial and become… Contain S. Phenylalanine.

Phenylketonuria is a genetic disorder where the person has a deficiency in the enzyme phenylalanine hydroxylase. Why is this a big deal? Because this enzyme is necessary to metabolize the amino acid phenylalanine to the amino acid tyrosine. And why is this important?

Two reason.

First, Amino Acid would be a cool nickname for my sidekick.

Secondly, when Contain S. Phenylalanine walks through the door, any phenylketonurics better get the F out of the way because they can’t properly process me. I’m deadly to them. My amino acid collects in their urine and causes mental retardation and other brain damage, what what.

For too long, people have never looked at me as being a threat. Sure, I was no push over before, but no one felt threatened by my mere presence. But as Contain S. Phenylalanine, I pose a serious risk to only a select few in the room. I don’t want to keep everyone away; the purpose of a new nickname is not to create a world of isolation. Rather, a new crowd to associate with. A new audience for me to reach that otherwise would not have taken me seriously. Sorry phenylketonurics, but you better keep away. It’s nothing personal.

Things are going to be different for now on.

While my former self would politely close the lid of the ketchup bottle and return it to the refrigerator, Contain S. Phenylalanine is going to leave the lid open so that the juicy, ketchup remnants will harden around the nozzle, slightly inconveniencing the next ketchup consumer. That’s the new me; that’s how I’m going to roll for now on. Watch world, for you will never know when crusty ketchup is lingering around the lid.

In fact, I may take this one step further and instead of using ketchup, I may resort to catsup.

I feel totally liberated with my new persona. But that doesn’t mean everything will change. Rest assured world, Contain S. Phenylalanine believes in maintaining an empty urinal between him and the next occupant. Somethings are just too important to ignore and urinal buffer zone is one of those things.

Contain S. Phenylalanine is a name that rolls of the tongue. It has a Y, which is nice. It also has some lovely alliteration in the middle, with the la-la. And it’s long too. You know what they say about people with long names, wink wink.

To be fully committed to my new persona, I may also have to change my laundry detergent of choice. I guess that means no more Tide. Perhaps there’s an exception here. Did Sasha Fierce start using different detergent? You know what, she probably hired different people to do her laundry for her. This part of the change was never really in consideration for her.

Maybe I’ll just stick with the Tide for now and see where the ‘tide’ takes me (just because I’m now Contain S. Phenylalanine doesn’t mean I don’t like a good pun).

Peace and love always,

Contain S. Phenylalanine